I have to say, a few of the most unproductive emotions out there have to be guilt, regret and resent. They are cause for endless ruminations, and leave the the thinker feeling empty and full of self doubt. But like many mamas I know, they seem almost unavoidable at times. The larger societal messages on being a woman/mama/wife are truly a recipe for guilt. Lately, I've felt a little stuck in my own guilt.
The person I was B.C. {before child} was a chronic over-extender, with the best motives and intentions, of soaking up all the sweetness of experiences that life had to offer. I was usually over-employed, obsessed with fitness and saying "yes" way more often then I should have. Life was go-go-go. And I loved it, sort of.
Here is where the problem lies. This is deeply rooted pattern and I find myself slipping back into it on an unconscious level. I see new yoga trainings come up, chances to travel, career advancing opportunities and I want to do it all! But then I feel like I can't because...[insert variety of reasons: not enough time, money, childcare, etc]. And then I feel bad. The complete recipe to feel guilty. Guilty that I want to have these experiences. Regretful that I feel like I can't do it. And maybe just a dash of resentment that I can't fall back into this well-worn pattern of "having it all".
The anxiety around this dilemma is only further fueled by articles like this and like this.
But here is the reality. Even though this pattern of over-extending feels enticing, exciting, comfortable and familiar, the truth of the matter is I'm happier now then I was back then. As my oh-so-wise supervisor at work says, "boundaries are kind". And when I'm clear that my focus has narrowed, I'm only human and have limitations, I feel better. More importantly, my life feels balanced. Don't believe me? Here is some more good advice.
One of my favorite quotes comes from this book by Fr. Gregory Boyle S.J., founder of Homeboy Industries in L.A. It reminds to take a deep breath and appreciate the fullness of my life right now.
What do you mamas do to avoid the guilt trap?
In more important news, have you ever seen a cuter picture? Could life be any more perfect?
The person I was B.C. {before child} was a chronic over-extender, with the best motives and intentions, of soaking up all the sweetness of experiences that life had to offer. I was usually over-employed, obsessed with fitness and saying "yes" way more often then I should have. Life was go-go-go. And I loved it, sort of.
Here is where the problem lies. This is deeply rooted pattern and I find myself slipping back into it on an unconscious level. I see new yoga trainings come up, chances to travel, career advancing opportunities and I want to do it all! But then I feel like I can't because...[insert variety of reasons: not enough time, money, childcare, etc]. And then I feel bad. The complete recipe to feel guilty. Guilty that I want to have these experiences. Regretful that I feel like I can't do it. And maybe just a dash of resentment that I can't fall back into this well-worn pattern of "having it all".
The anxiety around this dilemma is only further fueled by articles like this and like this.
But here is the reality. Even though this pattern of over-extending feels enticing, exciting, comfortable and familiar, the truth of the matter is I'm happier now then I was back then. As my oh-so-wise supervisor at work says, "boundaries are kind". And when I'm clear that my focus has narrowed, I'm only human and have limitations, I feel better. More importantly, my life feels balanced. Don't believe me? Here is some more good advice.
One of my favorite quotes comes from this book by Fr. Gregory Boyle S.J., founder of Homeboy Industries in L.A. It reminds to take a deep breath and appreciate the fullness of my life right now.
Our choice is not to focus on the narrow, but to narrow our focus. The gate that leads to life is not about restriction at all. It is about an entry into the expansive. There is a vastness in knowing you're a son or daughter worth having. We see our plenitude in God's own expansive view of us, and we marinate in this.It's not that I have restricted myself from seeking out new opportunities, but that I can relax with everything I have right now. When I can stop myself and remember this, everything feels ok.
What do you mamas do to avoid the guilt trap?
In more important news, have you ever seen a cuter picture? Could life be any more perfect?
So hard to not fall into it. I try my very hardest to not allow guilt in. It's not productive and it serves no purpose. We do the best we can, and we need to try to be as content and fulfilled as possible as women so we can be the best partners, friends and mothers possible. Of course, WAY easier said that done, as I manage almost zero time investing in myself in any meaningful way lately. Still though - important to recognize. All this to say, you are a wonderful mother and deserve all the happiness that life has to offer with zero guilt attached.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that helps me is to realize that in some seasons of my life I have more choices than others, but that each season has a sweet flavor and fun in its own way. Europe may be cool, but a sleeping baby on your chest is so amazing--how can they even compare? And when I find myself chafing with my life, I step back and remember that todays duties and strings are temporary and there is another chapter ahead--and to stop and see the remarkableness of NOW....see the huffington post share i just did, too.
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